Fear is the mind killer...

A pretentious title to today's blog, but that quote from Frank Herbert's Dune seemed appropriate today.

I woke up feeling so down and low it was unreal. Crawl back into bed, pull the duvet over my head and hide from the world down. Feeling very alone. Very unloved. Very useless. 

I postponed the try scuba dive, using the excuse of needing to see the doctor re the medical questionnaire, which I do. However, deep down, even as I made the call, I knew it was an excuse. Thinking about it this afternoon, made me realise why I'd not done the things on my list earlier in my life.

I have been scared. Scared of trying something new. Scared of looking stupid. Scared of people laughing at me. All my old insecurities. If I am going to start crossing things off The List I am going to have to conquer this fear. It's not even fear of the actual challenge (ok the bungee jump & sky dive are making me a little nervous), but more the fear of what people will think. I can hear the mocking voices, "Oooh look at that old fat lass, what does she think she is doing?" and that's the polite version. 

Thirty-fecking-nine years old and I still worry about what other people think. Ridiculous. It's definitely time I stopped being so concerned. I'm never going to be cool, I can only be me. Fear is what has always made me find excuses to do things. Stopped me from trying new things, not pushing myself hard enough. 

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

A walk along the beautiful beach near my flat gave me time to think and clear my head and think about why I wrote The List and why I am blogging about it. I need to do these challenges for me. As simple as that. The blog is my way of pushing myself to do it, so I don't just hide The List away in a drawer and forget about it!

New plan: tackle The List in chunks. Pace myself so I don't freak out again. This week:

1. Have some more rehab on the hip (monday)
2. Begin tango lessons on Tuesday 
3. Do a couple of C25k runs
4. Make a doctor's appointment to get my scuba dive medical form signed
5. Re-book the try-dive.

I can do this. I will do this. I may not manage everything on The List, but I be damned if I'm going to let fear and what other people think stop me. 

My favourite quotation, attributed to Mark Twain: 

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."